Again

This is one of those blogs I would rather not write. One of those moments I'd rather not share my struggles. Maybe because the human side of me likes the image that "I have everything put-together." Because that's totally a thing... Why share then? Because Jesus woke me up at 2am and is not letting me fall back asleep which usually is how it works when He wants me to share this stuff. So here it goes. Warning, it'll be messy.

I have struggled with depression all of this last week. To a point I haven't struggled with for a few years actually. I have not wanted to get out of bed, I have not wanted to leave my apt, not even to get coffee (which is pretty bad), have not wanted to go to work or see anyone, talk to anyone, or do anything but sleep. Tuesday was particularly rough. I went to bed by 10pm Monday night and didn't get out of bed until after 3pm. When I finally did, I couldn't and wouldn't do anything. Maybe managed to make it to the coffee shop, but then sat on my couch and watched TV to avoid another mental battle of "you should be doing this, you're so lazy, why don't you get up and seize the day, spend time with Jesus you'll feel better, make your bed, call someone, stop disappointing people..."

Just this morning, Jesus showed me how He showed up every single day this week. He used close friends and family. Used a timely word, a song, piano, a verse, a hug, and laughter, and yes coffee one day, to get me out of bed. Only for me to sit on my couch or lay on the floor and have the same battle. But He still got me out of bed and gave me energy to complete even tiny tasks. Then came time to go to work. Really did NOT want to do that one. God showed up again and I had a really good conversation with my supervisor about many things, but namely all the changes that are coming that I have not been excited for- but instead dreading, terrified of, and thus had a sour mood toward.

Of course, next work day, didn't sleep hardly at all and did NOT want to go in. God showed up. Kicked me out and I ended up having a really cool conversation with someone I work with. Next day, didn't sleep again and cancelled some plans. God showed up, didn't let me cancel all of my plans, and had a really, really good time with family and my boyfriend. Next day, slept a lot finally. Yet still didn't want to get out of bed. Had zero motivation to do much of anything. God showed up. Managed to get do laundry and clean which I'd let go for about two weeks.

The point of this? It didn't matter how I felt in those moments. It mattered only what I choose to do. Feelings are deceitful. A tool the devil will use to keep you in a bubble of pain and suffering. That ol' lucifer doesn't want you to be delivered, rescued, saved, or receive the thousands of blessings Jesus wants to give you. And even though every day was the same battle of not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to seize the day, instead wanting to wallow in my self-misery. God remained faithful, enabling me through those around me, His word, and music to get up anyway. He gave me the strength and the energy, even though my mindset stunk and I was un-grateful and grumpy and repeatedly did the same thing.

Every day that God chooses to wake me up and you, His mercies are new. He is giving you endless choices that day to make the right one. He isn't judging you, He isn't limiting how many chances He gives you, He isn't saying "there she (or he) goes again, going to fall on their face because they made a stupid choice, again." But instead He's saying, "oh child, I wish you wouldn't do that. I'm still here, will you let me help you?" The devil doesn't like this at all. He never got a second chance and here God gives us grace, mercy and forgiveness in abundance even as we continually defy Him and fall on our face. This is why it matters what you do- because the devil knows that if he can convince you to give up, he's won another one. He doesn't want you to recognize that God will redeem the pain, that He works it for His glory and our benefit. The devil hates that because he hates God for loving us so much that He sent His only son to die to pay the price of sin and gave us a way to spend eternity with Him. And the devil can never go back there.

So remember, what you choose to do matters. How you choose to react makes a difference. God redeems pain and suffering, and uses it to give us blessings in abundance that will blow our minds. Though we might not see it in the middle of the depression, suffering, pain, heartache, Jesus will get you through the storm. You just have to choose to hang on. Even if by a thread, be sure it's the thread of HIS garment. For again, His mercies are still new every morning He wakes you up. He is faithful, always (Lamentations 3:19-23).