Battle

I'm four months into training as a 911 dispatcher and almost gave up a couple days ago. This job is a 95% mental game and the devil is having his way in my head. I couldn't get out of bed after I woke up the other day. I've had trouble many days the last several weeks. I cried for a solid three hours from sheer mental exhaustion. My brain feels like the ball in a soccer match as the devil tries to confuse me. He nearly succeeded yesterday and the day before. I recognize now that this mental game he is playing is another obstacle trying to keep me from succeeding in this job and trying to get me to fall back into just existing instead of living. I'm done letting him win.

Another thing I recognized is how much time I spend fighting the wrong enemy. The sneaky thing about the devil is that when he succeeds in confusing you, suddenly your focus is shifted from fighting the devil to fighting Jesus. My attention is shifted from prayer first to "I can do it myself," my focus is shifted from God is good to "look at all the junk around me," my attitude goes from joyful to "everything sucks." I am the center of my attention and it never takes long before I wind up where I am now. Stuck in a cycle of confusion, depression, anxiety, and anger. Until now.

I don't have the energy to keep fighting what I know is best. And what is best is giving everything to Jesus. All the ifs, ands, and buts. All the doubts, questions, and confusion. The burdens almost drowned me, (literally with all the tears) and I almost quit. An awesome attribute of Jesus, if you don't know, is that He is always there. Ready and waiting with His arms open wide for us to return. Ready and waiting for us to surrender the things that drag us down. Ready and willing to give us His strength to fight by the power of His Holy Spirit. Ready and able to take the weight from our shoulders and carry it for us. All we have to do is ask.

It seems that for every hurdle I overcome in this job, a new one arises and they are just getting harder. I see two ways of looking at this. It could be a sign that I am not capable of handling this job, that I should give up and find a new career. Or, I am exactly where God wants me to be and the devil is executing his every scheme to get me to walk away. I know I am in the right career for this season of my life. I have His peace about it. So instead of giving in to this latest obstacle thrown in my path, I am going to dive in. Not by my strength nor by my determination, only by Christ in me. My first step was letting go of the devil and grasping the ever outstretched hand of Jesus instead. He will do the rest, I'm just along for the ride.