Defeated

In the interest of full disclosure, I do not want to write this post. I don't want to be awake right now to write this post. I have been up since 4am and its after 10pm, I worked 12 hours and I just want to sleep. I don't want to admit what I'm going to admit. So why am I writing it? Well, I really don't know... maybe because deep down, I know it'll help me process stuff. And I always regret it later when I disregard my inspiration for these. So here it goes.

I started a new job as a 911 dispatcher a few weeks ago. Having always been interested in the field of law enforcement, this job, when it continuously came up, peaked my interest. Truthfully, I am not sure what I expected it to be. I had sat in a couple times for a couple hours, but those hours gave me only a taste of what this job actually entails. My first week alone, I was thrown so many details I felt like my brain was about to explode and I was only listening to calls and observing at that point. I felt (feel) overwhelmed by the amount of things I had to learn. From badge numbers to streets names, questions to ask, to active listening to my surroundings while taking notes. It felt impossibly possible if that makes sense.

The second week, I started typing notes for calls while my trainer spoke and slowly worked into actually speaking on a couple calls. I began to build up confidence quickly doing that, thinking "I can actually do this job." And then I went to a different trainer and everything changed in one day. I was coming off a crappy shift the day before, having dealt with a really difficult call. I didn't sleep well, and almost didn't even go into work this particular morning. However, I rolled out of bed and showed up.

The morning went mostly quickly, I did some computer training and wouldn't start answering calls until later. 10am rolls around and it's time for me to start taking the calls. I was told it would be non-emergency calls, not 911 calls. However, this was not the case as shortly in, my trainer told me to answer 911 calls. I felt thrown into the fire having to take emergency calls when I wasn't even settled into non-emergency calls. Not only was I supposed to "know" what to say, I was supposed to know what to type into our note box. I was supposed to know how to label the calls. I was supposed to know how to think quickly and correctly, handling the situations with ease while remembering peoples' lives were on the line... literally. Needless to say, all the confidence I had built up in my abilities to do the job the previous two weeks, crumbled into little pieces of nothing. (To note: my trainer was always beside me, listening and ready to jump in at a moments notice). The next day, I found out it was all a test to see what we needed to work on and where I was at. I understood my trainer's reasoning after the fact, but during the fact, it didn't make any sense.

Fast forward a few days and my confidence is in limbo. Some days I have more, other days I have less. Yesterday I started taking 911 calls and the day went well which I attribute solely to the prayers of family and friends. Today, my trainer took another step back and let me handle some alone and I came home feeling defeated, drained, and tired. Being a perfectionist, I want to do things well and I want to do things right sooner rather then later. This job challenges every aspect of my mental state, shattering my confidence one hour and building it up the next. It pushes me in ways I've never been pushed before having to know and retain an immense amount of information to handle situations appropriately. It's an exhausting and frustrating learning process. And four weeks in, I reached the point of defeat.

The root of my defeat is the recognition that I am relying on my abilities to do something that is impossible for me to do on my own. Instead of relying on Jesus, His strength and His wisdom, I have been relying on my determination to study, my feeble strength, my faulty wisdom. My abilities failed me a couple weeks ago, they failed me today and they will continue to fail me because I am imperfect. I have placed my trust, my hope in myself to learn this job. But I can't without His help. I walked away defeated today and I didn't want to admit it. Now I'm glad I did because I can recognize what needs to happen going forward. I need to recognize and surrender to the fact that I cannot do this job, or life at all, without Jesus going before me. I need to stop relying on my abilities and rely completely on Jesus and what He can do. When I am weak, He is strong. When I am unable, He is able. When I am lost, He knows what needs to be done. I cannot, but through Christ in me, I can.

It's now after 11pm but that's okay. Maybe someone else needs to read this, maybe not. If nothing, take away this: If you feel defeated in anything, take a step back and ask yourself why. My defeat stemmed from recognition that my abilities alone are not enough and never will be enough in anything I do. Because as a believer in Jesus, I am not supposed to rely on myself but in Him. It doesn't matter how big or how small the task or challenge is, I need Jesus all the time. Because when I try to do things on my own, they will always fail in one way or another. But when I (you) rely on Jesus, recognizing my (your) inability, I am (you are) no longer defeated but victorious through Christ in me (you).