Despair

Death has become a huge part of my life recently. It comes with the job I choose to work. Truthfully, it's hard. Yes, I know Jesus and I know the hope found in Him. But I am an empathetic person, I feel other people's pain as my own. To take call after call of their loss burdens my heart with their sorrow. While I know the hope that is in Jesus, I cannot help but wonder if they do. If they know that in the midst of their pain there is someone who truly understands. It hurts to know that they are hurting.

Honestly, I'm so tired of death. I'm so tired of changing personal injury accidents to fatal. I'm tired of changing medicals to death investigations. I'm tired of feeling so tired and I've only been at this job for two months. The devil is playing a twisted mind game with my head and I'm so over it yet I haven't been fighting it. I even struggle to keep writing this and wonder if I'll actually publish it... I don't want to admit these things.

I've been given a new appreciation for those who work in the first responder field. Those that rush into scenarios that often do not end well. I understand now how easy it is to become callous and hopeless to the pain of the world. I understand where the dark humor comes into play to cover the deep void of despair all the crap we deal with makes. I understand how easy it is to become annoyed with humanity in their stupidity at times as though we are not humans ourselves and do the same things. I see the pull the devil uses to keep people from Christ. The pull that a loving God would never allow this evil to continue. It's an uphill battle and I feel as though I am sliding backwards.

It has not been easy to remain grounded in faith when every day something pulls my attention to the brokenness in the world. I don't want to understand why God allows it to continue. I don't want to understand why He keeps letting me answer those calls. I don't want to understand why He made me the way I am; so in tune with other peoples' pain. I want to dwell in the pit of despair, wallowing in the way I feel about these things. And that is right where the devil wants me to be. Confused, tired, and frustrated to the point I want to give up and just exist instead of live.

"The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:1-4. I don't want to understand the things I do about God, but I do. And I am going to acknowledge that fact. God is love. But He is also just. God is mercy and grace, but He is also righteous. Ultimately, He is still in control, however, He gives us the freedom to chose and He allows us to face the consequences of our choices, good and bad.

We are never promised an easy life. Fact, Jesus didn't have an easy time on earth either. But He does promise to "lead me, guide me, comfort me, and restore me" as it says in the Psalm above, along the journey of life. He doesn't promise painless, but He promises to comfort when it hurts. He doesn't promise sorrowless, but He promises hope and joy amidst it. He doesn't promise smooth sailing, but He does promise peace in the storm. He doesn't want me to struggle, however sometimes, that is the only way to grow stronger in faith. Sometimes, my actions create heartaches and though He never leaves me alone, He isn't going to remove the heartache, but He will help me through it if I ask Him too.

And as much as the devil wants me to ignore the truth, tonight I'm not going to let him win. I'm going to chose to let God help me fight this. In this declaration, I have new strength in the Holy Spirit. I am restored, I am renewed, I am at peace, not through my own doing, but through Christ in me.