Embracing the Mistakes

Raise your hand if you have ever made a mistake/screwed something up/did something you know was not right/failed to do something you were supposed to do/ you get the drift. :) My hand is raised high; very, very high. I am what is called a "perfectionist." Which can be beneficial in many areas of life and it can be equally as devastating. You see, I place expectations on myself, what I am now realizing as unrealalisticly high expectations. So high in fact that I don't even realize I've done it until I've failed to meet them. I am my own worst critic. I chew myself up when I fail. I am so in my own head at times I want to curl up into a ball and give up.

Recently, I have been struggling a lot with my perfectionism. I did not realize it until tonight how much of a problem it has become when doing things I enjoy. I have managed to switch my focus from doing my best to "don't mess up." Naturally, I mess up and become frustrated. Playing piano (something I love to do) has become less and less enjoyable because I mess up. Working on my cross stitch has become less and less enjoyable because I mess up. I do not even want to draw at all anymore because I'll mess up and pick out every little flaw I made in the picture. I do not want to try to work out more because I'll end up quitting (another form of messing up). And it never ends. I have placed upon myself the unreasonable and unrealistic expectation to be perfect. And I have failed miserably and allowed failing to steal my joy in living.

Full disclosure, it hurts to admit this. Though I am just admitting that I am human. I am not using being "human" as an excuse to hide behind the fact I'll always mess up and should not even try to do better. That is not okay either. Jesus has reminded me that though I am human and will sin because of the Fall, I am not any less His daughter. I should not give up trying to live the best that I can, but I should give up trying to be better than I can on my own. I have to embrace my mistakes as part of life and move foreword in the Redemption of Christ. Nothing I do will ever amount to what He has already done. I will NEVER be enough for Him. And in that one sentence, so much freedom is found. I can only try and allow Christ to help me in all things. I have to let go of the expectations I placed on myself and focus on what God desires from me instead. I was reminded that

God does not have expectations for me. He gives me the choice to live for Him or for myself. Tonight, by His grace, I am choosing to lay me down at His feet, again. And once again, through Christ, I am free.