Journey

I'm currently on my couch wrapped in two blankets, bathed in warm sunlight. It's a cozy feeling on a cooler day. :) I'm in a moment I've labeled as a "God moment." Basically, a moment where I've shut up enough to be quiet enough to actually listen to God speaking to me via music, the Bible, through prayer, my thoughts, or whatever I am doing at the time. It's a moment of clarity and usually conviction.

My last several posts have been about my job and the struggles I've faced in the learning process. My job has been the main focal point in my life because it's a completely new field for me. It brings new challenges, learning opportunities, and with the learning opportunities, it brings opportunities for growth. My last post especially touched on the mental battle I've faced the last month and how it almost overcame me. It brought up ways I've dealt with things in the past in stronger doses and I wasn't prepared to handle the strong temptations. I almost broke.

Reality: life in this broken world will bring challenges/temptations, and recently, it seems they have been getting harder and harder to face. But as I look back, I've noticed these challenges/temptations I've been facing are the same ones I've faced in the past and "overcome." They look a little different in how circumstances bring them up, but they aren't different challenges. It's just a stronger temptation. My moment of realization: I have severally underestimated the willpower of the devil in wanting me to fall away from Jesus. He isn't going to bring new things that I may or may not struggle with, he is going to use the same things he knows I struggle with and try to twist them in any way possible to get me to break. It brings up frustration because, "I've overcome this, why is it coming up again?" thus causing thoughts of hopelessness, depression, anger, and sorrow, "it'll never get better." The devil has been sneaky and slippery in his approach with this. He has had me preparing for new temptations, not for the ones I've "overcome."

Conviction: I'm not always trying to be prepared to fight the devil. Excuse: I'm human and I'm going to fail. Truth: Jesus just wants me to try and try, and keep trying again and again each day He gives me in life. He wants me to seek Him in the morning when I wake up (or afternoon), and throughout the entire day (or night) until I go to sleep. He wants to prepare me to fight the devil when his temptations arise. And He wants me to choose to let Him.

Realization: I'm not fighting the devil when I'm fighting on my own. I'm right where the devil wants me, relying on myself instead of Jesus. Conviction: I am a sinner. I cannot fight the devil on my own willpower as such because it's faulty and weak against his schemes. Excuse: I'm stubbornly independent and shouldn't have to rely on anyone but myself. Truth: Christ's power is made perfect in my weakness. When I choose to let go of my "ability" to "fight the devil," Jesus is always there ready to be what I need to overcome the trials (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

Reality: Life in this world as it is, is a journey of choices. We can choose God or we can choose the devil. There is no middle ground or gray area, period. I haven't lived long, but I've made plenty of bad choices already. It hurts to think about. It's hard to admit. But recognizing and admitting both is half the battle in surrendering to Jesus. Realizing my inabilities is the only way to recognize God's power and ability to work through my weakness. It's also a reminder that I have to choose to be prepared for my moments of weakness. That means reading my Bible as often as I have time and memorizing what it says, even when I don't feel like it. It means spending time in intentional prayer; talking with God as often as I have time, even when I don't feel like it. Jesus wants all of me and that includes the moments when I'm not in a good mood. He's big enough to handle it. He wants to help me work through it. And, I always feel better after spending time with Him.

My relationship with Jesus is a journey of choices and it's not perfect on my end in any means. I'm going to fail as long as I am on earth. However, I can choose to keep trying and find hope in the fact that this world is not going to last forever. Jesus is always there, faithful to His commitment. It's my choice whether or not I'll meet Him there.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people." Ephesians 6:10-17