Surrender

Late night post number.... too many. But when that inspiration flows, the inspiration flows. I figure it's better to just sit and write about it than lie in bed and think about it for hours. So here we go!

I am in what some might call a "Figuring out phase of life." Being that I recently graduated, I am supposed to have my life, or career path at least, figured out, right? LIE. For those that do, that is great! Honestly, I wish I was there. But, I'm not, at least not exactly.

For many years, I wanted to enter law enforcement. I had a passion for it since I was 11-12 years old. I can actually look back in my very first diary and find the first time I mentioned it. And it stuck, up until two years ago. I was taking classes that would help me earn a degree to help me enter that field. And then, a wave of doubts flooded my mind and I was second-guessing pretty much everything. I don't recommend this as it personally led to so much confusion and mental exhaustion trying to "figure life out."

One thing led to another, and I spiraled downhill. Everything was becoming overwhelming and stressful because I couldn't figure this career option out. If I was to continue down this path, I would have to actually attend college (I was taking classes through PSEO), if I wasn't going to, I had to find something else to do, namely a full time job so I could make a living. Questions turned into more questions, it stunk. Now a few closer friends and family members that attempted to help me out by saying "you're young, you have time to figure this out," had wonderful and appreciated intentions. However, the phrase "you have time" bothers me because I don't know how long I'll live. And while I'd love to live longer than 19 years, that is one thing I know I cannot dictate. I want to do meaningful work right now, not later (another lesson I have learned and another post for another time:).

After a melt down, I decided I would push off college. Enter instant relief having made a decision. And I decided to remove other things that were too overwhelming at that time as well. For awhile, I was contented. Until I wasn't (funny how that works... not). Somewhere in the last few months I decided becoming a police officer was no longer something I felt led to do, at least for now. Which has left me impatiently waiting for God to show me the next step in life. I am not a very good "patient waiter." I love to know exactly what is going to happen exactly when it's going to happen. And I'll admit I love to dictate both. So waiting on God, a being I cannot control (probably for the best....) is similar to having to get into a boat...... I am petrified of boats. It's a surrender thing and that means I have to say I give up control which means I have to trust Him. WAYYYY easier said then done.

Recently, I've learned to be better about intentionally surrendering each day to Jesus. And more specifically, each new burden thrown my way. And in that, I have been more attentive to what He has to say. I don't know where I was or what I was doing, but I was having a conversation in my head with Him about the whole career mess and I asked, "how do I know what you want me to do?" for the millionth time and the thought entered my mind, "you'll know." That's it? Just "I'll know?" Again, being a detailed person, this drove me crazy. "Where's the rest of it God?"

Funny reminder of the Awesome attribute of God, HE'S NEVER WRONG. Recently, a career popped up on my radar and for awhile, I ignored it. But I kept seeing the job ad pop up random places so I started asking questions from people I know that are connected within that field (also another blog post to come). Many questions and a lot of research later, I am realizing that this career is something I could thrive at doing and something I have a strong drive to work towards doing. I can't explain it in any other way except, "I know."

If you are in a period of waiting on God to show you what the next step is, take comfort in this: God WILL direct your steps. All He asks of you is to be faithful, trusting in Him to do so and letting go of what you think is best by surrendering to His will. And when you do, "you'll know" what He wants of you. It's not easy and I will never say it is. But, if you take it one day at a time, it's not as hard. It's simple as, "I surrender this day to you Jesus." And then choosing to live the day in His peace. Believe me, it's definitely a life changing move.