New Things

I am in a season of life where things are changing quickly. New job, new (used, I'm not rich... :) car, new family developments, and high probability of a new place to live. I left one of the best jobs I've ever had and I left my other job that I also enjoyed (yes, I had multiple jobs). I thought I was handling these new things well, taking it in stride, one day at a time. And tonight I realized I've been kidding myself.

I haven't been able to fall asleep before midnight the majority of the last week and a half. Whatever I've avoided thinking about during the day, all of a sudden comes flooding into my mind at night. I haven't allowed myself to process these new changes and react to them in a healthy way. I've simply tried to ignore them, even though they aren't necessarily bad things, I didn't want to overwhelm myself. Which is sad because in doing that, I overwhelmed myself. My anxiety spiked so bad tonight, I wanted to scream into my pillow and cry all at once as my brain pushed all the "what if" scenarios at me. Even as I write this, my hands are shaking.

A few weeks ago, I started listening to a song by Lauren Daigle called, "Trust in You." This was during the process of getting a new car as I've had a lot of trouble with my old one. But the lyrics of it seem to be screaming at me tonight more than before. Specifically in verse two, "Truth is, you know what tomorrow brings. There's not a day ahead You have not seen..." It's kind of a slap in the face reminder from God as though He's saying, "Hey, you've forgotten I'm still in control. I already know what's going to happen." There is a measure of peace that fills me with that reminder.

Another part in the song that hits me comes towards the end, a declaration, if you will, about who God is to her and who He is in general. It goes, "You are my strength and comfort, You are my steady hand. You are my firm foundation, The Rock on which I stand. You're ways are always higher, Your plans are always good! There's not a place that I'll go, You've not already stood!..." Just writing this out again brings tears to my eyes at the truth of these words. Tears of gratitude because God kept me up to remind me of who He is. Tears of relief because He has given me the weapons to fight the devil's attacks in the form of my anxiety and fear. Tears of joy because I can now sleep in peace, God's amazing peace that's always been there I just haven't allowed myself to accept it.

A few people might wonder why I bothered to share this. It's different from my other entries as I am working through a moment of anxiety as it tries to take over. Why should I let the world (in a sense) know? Well, it was either that or continue screaming at myself in my head which is not appealing at the moment. That, and maybe someone else has moments like this too. Moments where just writing it out can help them see the Truth in the lies and remind them that in Jesus, there is rest from a fight. I'll end with this: I was given a choice tonight to either face my anxiety that I've ignored the last week and a half, or let it win out over me to leave me a basket case the next few days. I almost chose the latter. It seemed like the easier way out as I was already in my nice cozy bed attempting to sleep. By His grace and His strength, He enabled me to choose to face it. And I am very glad and relieved that He did. If you are in a similar place at any point in time including as you read this, know that Jesus is still with you. In the midst of any changes your facing, remember that God already knows the future and His plans are good. Whatever comes is in His hands, just like you.