Perspective

I recently happened into a plethora of time. It came unexpectedly and lasted a lot longer than I thought it would. One of those, uncontrollable, pathetic moments that leave you wanting to melt in embarrassment and cry at the same time. PSA- head injuries are not something to trifle with and in my opinion, are one of the most annoying and frustrating to deal with. I wasn't allowed/supposed to do much of anything. Watching screens was a no; no phone, no texting, no scrolling endlessly on Facebook, no movies or tv shows. Working was out of the equation as it requires monitoring six active screens and critical thinking. No heavy exercising, even slow walks were challenging. No intense cleaning or chores, no driving or going a lot of places, and the absolute worst part, no reading. As my doctor put it, concussions require complete brain rest. Of course, Jesus knows how well I follow directions over a long period of time so next morning after my doctor's visit, I came down with a cold. Motivation to be naughty and disobey was zero. Thus much of my life the last week and a half was spent on my couch listening to adventures in odyssey, coloring, and drawing. Or just starring out the window and at the ceiling, thinking. So exciting.

Turns out, the cold was actually a blessing in that the first few days went by with a lot of naps and amazing sleep. Then Monday rolled around and it was time for another follow-up appointment. I felt better than I had and was "ready" to go back to work. My doctor determined otherwise and I left feeling deflated and defeated. But something changed in my thinking later that night. When I actually first penned out the draft of this blog. I realized the importance of resting.

Before this little incident took place, I had a rough couple of months. I took a lot of calls that hurt and dealt with my first fatal accident since I began working my job last year (I can hardly believe it'll be a year in a couple days! Another blog may come soon touching on this :). I was running around and doing a lot of different things and I didn't realize how tired I actually was. My anxiety was through the roof, depression loomed in the distance as it usually does when I don't take time to process things. I was reaching my point of exhaustion where I shift from living to existing as a survival tactic. Jesus knew. And I'm not saying He purposefully planned the concussion as the means to make me rest, but I'm also not saying He didn't. Only He knows the true reason behind why it happened. Regardless, it happened, and I realized that it wasn't as bad as I thought. I began to rejuvenate and revive in a sense. There was nothing that demanded my attention, nothing on my schedule besides doctor visits. I didn't have to go anywhere or have to do anything. And I began to enjoy the time I had. I probably got more rest the next couple of days then I did the first few. I spent more time in prayer than I have in a long time. And I felt good.

I didn't realize how much time I spend distracting myself until those things I was using as distractions, were taken away. Literally, as attempts at a few caused quite a few headaches, thus making them miserable to do. This whole situation has me rethinking how I choose to spend my time and how I treat my time. It's really a precious thing that has a 100% chance of coming to an end. I got to spend a lot of time on the phone with family and quite a bit of time in-person with them as well. So I ask myself, "what really matters to you? If you really believe time is so precious, are you going to change how you spend yours?"

During a conversation with my room-mate, who is also family, she was waiting on her coffee to brew on her way out the door to work. It's a classic scenario that I bet many relate too- we are ready to go and something slows us down. I don't remember exactly what she said, but my response was, "in my experience, usually when we are in a rush and something happens to slow us down, it's for a good reason." I've had this happen to me on numerous occasions, but the three that stand out are the times I've come upon bad car accidents within minutes after they've occurred. And when I think back to all the other times I've been slowed down by little or large things, I wonder the reasoning. It's likely, I will never know God's reasoning for slowing me down every time He chooses too. But these last few times, I've been grateful. Has this latest incident been frustrating? Absolutely. I finally was cleared to go back to work Friday and had to leave on Saturday. My symptoms still come and go at random points I cannot predict. I've felt great one day to feel horrid the next. Sometimes, that happens throughout the day- feeling good on hour and not the next. I've felt defeated when I have to quit playing piano because it makes my head hurt. Or when I cannot drive myself places and when I have to ask for rides. But the perspective I've gained from this incident has been worth it.

Like I touched upon earlier, I may never understand God's plans, and most assuredly, what He does make known is never the full picture, but that's okay. I just have to trust Him and have faith that He knows exactly what He is doing. And if I've been reminded of anything through this little adventure, it's that God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good.