Standard

I am officially six months into my job as a 911 dispatcher and a little over a month of being signed off of training and on my own. What an experience this job has been. I have been torn down and rebuilt so many times in this six months I wonder how I've survived honestly. The past year itself held many "new things" that challenged me to grow. None have quite tested me as much as this job has, however. The last month especially held one of the hardest challenges I've faced since starting. I'm just now coming to the realization that my priorities have been all screwed up.

Full disclosure, I would much rather be asleep right now. It's my second day of a whole three days off and I want to sleep in and relax. Go figure, I found myself awake at 4am and it's now 7am. This whole post is only coming together in a messy way because of a conversation I had with my dad yesterday and the realization this morning (at 4am) of just how important what we talked about is to me. Essentially, I realized there is a double standard of accountability being held at my job in how they train new dispatchers vs those who have been there for years. And it really bothers me. To clarify, I am not unhappy with the way I was trained. I am grateful that they stressed the importance of being attentive to everything that happens around the center. I am grateful for the accountability they keep for those of us in training. I don't see the same accountability being held on all the shifts however, and it's frustrating.

The weight of responsibility that comes with this job is heavy. It is not a job you should walk into only willing to give half your best or less. We are responsible for peoples' lives and this is not something to be taken lightly. Ever. This is a heavy weight for one person to bear which is why there are multiple of us working at the same time. We are to work as a team, sharing the responsibility among each other. And it's a fact at the center I work, one person cannot do that job on their own. Where am I going with this?

Essentially, I've come to realize that I have a double standard in my own life. I want to be good at my job. I want to maintain the amount of empathy I have towards people while still being able to function as a dispatcher. I don't want to become callous or desensitized because I don't want to become less attentive and more easily frustrated at callers and officers. I let myself do that a couple times and that's the behavior I resorted too and it didn't feel right. I am striving to be at my very best at work and yet, I do not hold the same standard for myself when it comes to my faith in Christ. And that cuts deep.

The month of December was easily the hardest month I faced since starting my job. I had very little time off and being new and signed off of training, I was the first to be mandated for overtime. I didn't handle the first half of the month well and I still fumbled through the last half. I realized just how much I need Jesus to do this job. The way He designed me, the job tears into me in every way, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Without my faith in Jesus, I'd have to quit because I wouldn't be able to handle it. Jesus is the only way I can do the job so why am I giving so much of myself to the job and so little to Jesus? Why am I holding myself to such high standards at work and very low standards when it comes to my relationship with Jesus? Because I am trying to attain something that I cannot measure up to on my own. I am giving of myself to my job because I cannot meet the standards of God when it comes to my relationship with Him. That's why I, we, need Jesus. This realization is not that I shouldn't be more willing to choose to spend time with Jesus, it's that I can't control my salvation. Doing better doesn't make me more saved. Not doing well doesn't make me less saved. Believing in Jesus as the Son of God who died for my sins and rose again for my redemption, is what saved me, you.

I can continue to run around and exhaust myself trying to "be better." Or I can choose to sit with Jesus in the realization that without Him, I'll never measure up. Without Him, I'd be dead. I'm not explaining very well the thought process I've had as I've written this post. And that's going to be okay this time. I'll end with this: Jesus doesn't care how much time I spend with Him, He cares that I spend time with Him. I've been avoiding doing that because I put a limit on how much time I wanted to spend with Him. I've been holding myself to high standards in other places because I can't meet God's on my own and it was driving me crazy. I haven't slowed down long enough to recognize that until now. God is always speaking. With this fallen world, there is always noise that can distract us from listening. Sometimes, all we need to do is take a moment and be still. Just be aware, that moment might be at 4am some morning on your day off. :) It's totally worth it though.