Tears

My eyes are red rimmed and swollen from tears and my nose burns from repeated wiping with Kleenex. Going into my job as a 911 dispatcher, I was under no illusion that it would be easy. I just didn't realize how much it could hurt until yesterday. Within the first few hours we took a really hard call that ended with loss of life. I had to call the coroner for the first time. And this person that passed ended up being a close friend to one of my coworkers. It made the call very real.

I'd be lying if I said I am okay right now because I'm not. On top of those events yesterday morning, my coworkers ended up calling an ambulance for me later that afternoon and I spent the next five hours in the ER only for the doctors and nurses to find no explanation for my symptoms. Maybe it was related, maybe not. Regardless, I'm not in a good place right now. It hurts so bad I just want to scream, cry, and curl up in a ball for days. I don't know how to describe my empathy towards people other then I literally feel their pain like it is my own. And it makes this job oh so much harder. It's not something I want to lose, but it is something I have to find a healthy outlet for.

It hurts even more because I prayed so, so hard for this person to make it. I know Jesus heard me, I know He was listening, He just knew that His way was better. I don't like it, it makes me mad at Him... I spent the better part of the last two days yelling at Him because I do not agree with His decision. But that's okay. My good friend reminded me a short while ago that God is big enough to handle EVERYTHING I throw His way. Not only that, but He WANTS me to throw it His way (Matthew 11:28).

I put on my music before I started writing this and the first song that played was "There will be a day" by Jeremy Camp. The chorus is "There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain and no more fears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face. But until that day, we'll hold onto you always." I'm not ready to say that I am all hopeful and cheerful and happy, ready to move on from this. It's going to take awhile and that's okay. That song, however, reminded me that as much as this world hurts at times, it will not last forever. And in that reminder, I have a thread of peace, hope, and joy to cling to remembering that one day, I'll be with Jesus in Heaven where all my tears, all my sorrows, all my fears will be washed away forever (Revelation 21:3-4). I don't always understand God's will in things and I don't always like His will. I don't have to though, I just have to trust that He knows what He is doing because He does. And even when it hurts the most, hurts so much it's hard to breathe, He is always there and in His presence and by His strength, I can get up and face a new day knowing He is with me and I am another step closer to home.